dissolution
July 6, 2023
Massaging tinted moisturizer into my thinner more translucent aging skin, trying to lighten the heavy dark circles under my eyes. Applying eyeliner and shadow to brighten them, my eyes have not looked the same since July 15 of the previous year. Still I try to tap into my beauty, my light. Placing my nine thin sterling silver rings onto one finger, and the thick etched silver band I love onto another, all on my right hand. No rings on the left. I place into my ears the miniature silver smiling sun earrings, with the center of the sun painted a warm gold, that I’ve been wearing to beckon warmer, happier times. Choosing a top I associate with other unpleasant memories so I can discard it when this is done. Heart beating fast through my blouse. Bracing for engulfing emotions. Take a breath. Enter the Zoom.
July 9, 1999
Applying my own make-up in our Riverdale home, so as to look like my true self, rather than an overpainted version of me, I prepare for my wedding day. Painting eyeliner and shadow on my bright eyes full of hope and love. My heart beating fast against my soft ivory gown, which I will have carefully wrapped to last for years to come. Waves of emotion flowing through me. My nervous, trembly legs carrying me to the church. Photos being taken of me, requests for more, I point forward, “It’s time and he is waiting for me.” I open the large heavy wooden doors, walking inward, through my anxiety, and all the eyes on me, to walk towards him, only him. I reach his hands and his eyes and take a breath. ‘Oh my lover, oh my other, oh my friend’. I am home and I am safe.
July 15, 2022
1:12am on the car dash, driving aimlessly through dark suburban streets, I glance up at my rearview mirror, catching a glimpse at my red, swollen, sobbing eyes. Looking somewhat unrecognizable to myself, lost. The earth shifted beneath my feet, my world, past and present inexplicably shattered. My future, lost, my home, my safety lost. My reflection unrecognizable, the light in my eyes lost to hurt and sadness I never thought possible.
July 6, 2023
His angry words lashing out at me, at the mediator. I glance at his face in his box on the mosaic Zoom screen. I see no love in his eyes as he accuses me of being an unfit mother, threatens me with money, my health insurance. “I will give you your separation agreement but it is going to cost you.” After a year of pleading with him to help me heal from betrayal trauma, two lengthy rounds of marriage counseling across a span of three years, where he lied and cheated on me during the first round, and then refused to follow therapists’ advice to heal the trauma and rebuild trust on the second try. I wonder what he sees when he says such hurtful things to me. Does he look into my eyes? Does he see their altered state as I do? Does he notice my made up face, my sun earrings, the blouse I carefully chose for this meeting? Does he feel the echo across time? Was he always like this or when did he change?
“You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me.”
-Coldplay